Beliefs 1: Introduction

Are you fooling yourself?.....

Beliefs 1: Introduction

Date: 7/15/2026

Are you fooling yourself?

Our minds are constantly trying to make sense of the complex world we live in. In the process we naturally formulate beliefs. We then make decisions and act according to those beliefs. People hold beliefs about themselves (their identity, abilities, strengths, weaknesses, and potential), about other people, relationships, how the world works, morality, religion, politics, money, health, success, happiness, what is possible or impossible, and many other aspects of life....

We tend to act as though our beliefs are established facts. This can be problematic since some of our beliefs may be erroneous or only partially true. When our beliefs are inaccurate, the decisions we make based on them can lead to unnecessary problems and costly mistakes. In my counseling experience, having erroneous beliefs is one of the most common sources of the problems people have.

Example #1: Suppose someone believes that asking questions makes them look unintelligent. They'll probably remain silent, miss opportunities to learn, and perhaps conclude that they aren't capable.
Example #2: Suppose someone believes that if another person doesn't return a phone call, it means they don't care. They may become hurt or angry and withdraw from the relationship, when in fact the other person was simply busy.

Example #3: Suppose someone believes that asking for a raise will make their employer think they are greedy or ungrateful. As a result, they never ask, even though their work deserves higher compensation. Years later, they realize they have earned far less than they might have.

The original belief—not reality—created the problem.

A) How do we acquire our beliefs ?

1. Social Environment ---From the beliefs that are common in the society in which we live or among the people with whom we associate. (See Rambam, Hilchos De'os 6:1.)

2. Personal Experiences---From the conclusions and generalizations we have drawn from our own experiences and from observing what happens to others.

3. Influential Figures --- From what our parents, teachers, and other influential people have taught us.

Because many beliefs develop gradually through experience or by absorbing the attitudes of those around us, we are often unaware that we hold them. That makes them harder to identify and change.

B) Beliefs may be

True
False
Partially true
True only in certain situations or at certain ages in one's life
True for one person but not for another.

Because they contain some truth, the last three categories are typically the most difficult to recognize and evaluate.

Exercise: Consider in which of the above categories would you place the following beliefs:

"Once I catch someone telling me a lie, I will always be on guard around them"
"The more money a person has the happier he is"
"People work best under pressure. It is good to leave things for the last minute"
" A person can eat fattening foods, never exercise, and not gain weight"
"I cannot change; this is just the way I am"
"We are only human; anybody can make a mistake."

C) How to Identify, Evaluate, and Correct Erroneous Beliefs.

The next step is to identify our beliefs and evaluate whether they are accurate, useful, or in need of revision.

Because different types of beliefs may require different approaches, the methods used to evaluate and change them may vary.

Before one can begin correcting one's beliefs, one first needs to recognize that we are all capable of making mistakes. As "correct" as any particular belief may seem to me, I need to remain open to the possibility that it may be incorrect, only partially correct, or true only in certain situations, etc.

Without this willingness to question our own beliefs, the methods for evaluating and changing them discussed in this and the following articles will have little effect.

1. Identifying an Erroneous Belief:

One way to identify an erroneous belief is to take notice of some area of your life in which you are repeatedly experiencing problems or disappointment.

Then ask yourself, "What belief am I holding that might be contributing to this problem?"

Because we are emotionally involved in our own lives, we often overlook our blind spots. It can therefore be very helpful to ask a trusted friend whether they notice anything we may be thinking or doing that could be contributing to the problem.

As an example: a person once came to me and told me that his neighbors are not friendly with him. As we discussed the situation an erroneous belief emerged. As with many beliefs, he was not consciously aware of it. He believed that "because I live in the neighborhood, my neighbors will automatically become my friends".

2. Correcting an Erroneous Belief:

Let's use his belief as an example :

"Because I live in the neighborhood, my neighbors will automatically become my friends".

A) Look for Counter-Evidence: Notice times when reality contradicts the belief.

Ask yourself: "Are there other people in the neighborhood with whom the neighbors are not friendly?"

"Are there people in the neighborhood with whom the neighbors are friendly? What are they doing differently?"

B) Challenge the Belief: Ask probing questions to loosen the absolute certainty of the belief:

How, specifically, does living in the neighborhood cause people to be my friend?

The goal of Challenging the Connection is to become more open-minded and to reconsider the belief.

[NOTE: If you are helping someone else with their belief, be careful not to argue with them!]

C) Formulate a more accurate and useful belief.

One way to do this is to seek other people's perspectives:

(See Ruach Chaim on Pirkei Avos, Perek 2, Mishna 7-- מרבה עצה מרבה תבונה)

First : Ask other people for their perspectives on the issue at hand. This will help you see the issue in a new light.

Example: "In your experience, do friendships with neighbors usually develop on their own, or does someone have to take the initiative?"

Second:  Evaluate the various perspectives you have heard in light of your personal life situation. What would benefit you--and what not?    Suggestion: Don't rush this stage! Changing a belief is a process. Take the time to carefully consider everything you have heard.

Third: Formulate a new belief. Select from the ideas you heard and combine them into a new belief that fits your life circumstances. (Because what works for one person may not work for another person. You want a belief that works for you personally).

The new belief: "Living near someone creates an opportunity for friendship, but it does not create the friendship itself. One has to put effort into making friends."

In future articles I plan to discuss other common types of beliefs that can create unnecessary problems, how to recognize them, and practical ways to change them....

NLP & GO