Understanding Lack of Self-Confidence

Understanding Lack of Self-Confidence

Date: 11/28/2005

One of the reasons people will say  they are not successful at something is that they have  "a lack of self-confidence."  Often a lack of self-confidence comes with feelings of depression.

The following is the way I typically work with this issue.  I think that before beginning to do any work, it is important to understand what self-confidence is and what it is not.  Some people think of a lack of self-confidence as a permanent condition such as having an allergy. They feel resigned to going through life this way as if there is nothing they can do about it.

A more accurate way of understanding a lack of self-confidence is that it is a negative, limiting belief about oneself. The first step is identifying what is their self-belief.  It is much easier to change a belief than it is to change a permanent condition. 

Then we will want to find out: Why do they lack self-confidence? The root of their lack of self-confidence has to be uncovered, understood, and worked through. Some common roots are because they were constantly ridiculed by parents, peers, or teachers.  Or, it might be because of a series of failures in some area in their life.

Once any personal issues have been worked through, we can proceed to the next step of replacing the unresourceful belief with a resourceful belief.  Of course, the new belief has to be true;  and the person has to realize that it is true. 

Let's take this a bit farther...I cannot play the violin. I also cannot fly an airplane or speak Chinese. These beliefs would probably not adversely affect my performance should I decide to learn how to do these activities.

The problem begins when people build on such statements and develop beliefs such as "I am incapable of ever playing the violin, flying an airplane, or speaking Chinese." For many people when they think or say "I cannot do this task" they are subconsciously thinking "I am incapable of ever doing it." If you choose to remain with this belief then, indeed, you will probably never do it well.  When people feel stuck because of a "lack of self-confidence" the chances are they are harboring a limiting belief such as these. 

The new, resourceful belief will be something like "I can learn to fly an airplance, play the violin, or speak Chinese."

How would your life be different if  you started to believe that "I am capable of learning how to do this task"? 

POST SCRIPT:   There are people whose lack of self confidence expresses itself as feeling vulnerable around other people. It can be difficult for them to stand up for themselves when they are in a conflict. The challenge of entering into  new situations can be formidable for them.  Sometimes this comes from having been teased constantly or bullied.  When I see people with this type of lack of self confidence I work as with them as described above plus clear their fears (For more information click on the "Phobias" button).

What can also be beneficial is learning practical self-defense. I know a martial arts trainer who I can recommend because I have personally seen the amazing results he achieves with his students--particularly in building self-confidence... Chaim Mandel offers martial arts training privately, in a class setting, as well as online.  If you would like more information, click on his website: www.directcombatives.com

To schedule an appointment contact me by phone: 052-763 7029 or by email: shlomokory@gmail.com