Dealing with Sadness and Negative Emotions

When things aren't going as you would like....

Dealing with Sadness and Negative Emotions

Date: 9/2/2024

Disclaimer: This article is intended to help people deal with the normal ups and downs of life. It is not intended as a substitute for getting professional counseling or taking prescribed medication when these are indicated.

Here is a step-by step method for dealing with sadness and other negative emotions. Before you actually use this method, I suggest that you practice it --at least two or three times--by going through all of the steps with a less significant problem in order to familiarize yourself with the method.

An example of a "less significant" problem: A person very much wanted to buy something and when he arrived at the store they had sold out of that item.

Before we start, it has to be understood that this is not an "instant cure"; it doesn't "work like magic". It requires time and effort and repeating parts of the method. And even then, it doesn't usually make the negative emotions disappear completely. Typically, this method can significantly reduce the negative emotions so that they have less impact on your life and don't interfere with your daily functioning. And, that is a tremendous gain!

Having said that, let's begin!

Step 1) Write down your feelings.

Usually there is a combination of different feelings. For example: sad, annoyed, disappointed, frustrated, lonely. This is why it can be so challenging to deal with negative emotions: A person can feel overwhelmed and somewhat helpless how to cope when he isn't aware of everything he is feeling. However, by taking time to contemplate what are the various feelings you have been feeling, and then writing them down, you become consciously aware of what they are. This is the first step that puts you in a good position to deal with them effectively.

Step 2) Write down the sources of your feelings.

What has happened or is happening that is causing you to feel these feelings? Here, too, there is usually more than one source why you are feeling this way. And, as above, by becoming cognizant of what the sources are, you are in a better position to deal with them effectively.

Step 3 ) Dealing with the Negative Emotions

In the Sefer Pele Yoetz ( in the section on "עצבות") he has some very effective suggestions for dealing with sadness and negative emotions.

--A: Thoughts, Attitudes, Perspectives

His first suggestion is to go more deeply into the source of your feelings. By gaining a new and deeper perspective you can neutralize your negative feelings.

Sometimes the negative feelings come because someone didn't do what you wanted or you weren't treated with the proper respect. If that is the case, then "lower yourself" and tell yourself "Ultimately, what does it really matter how I am treated? What do I lose or gain if this person shows respect towards me or not? At the end of the day it makes no difference."

[NOTE: If a person is being abused , the above approach would not be appropriate. Abuse has to be dealt with! ]

A second source of negative feelings is that an unpleasant event happened. You didn't want this unpleasant event to happen and you have negative feelings from it. He recommends the following approach. The unpleasant event is not a "coincidence"; it didn't accidently "happen" . Rather, it is מן השמים for my benefit--even though I may not now see how .

This idea is also brought in Halacha in אורח חיים סימן רל . The Halacha reads that a person should often say: -- כל מה דעביד רחמנא לטב עביד ' which translates as "everything Hashem does is for our good."

The Pele Yoetz also mentions a more general approach which is to focus on what you have. The Pele Yoetz suggests thinking about the fact that we have the Torah: A person can imagine that if he had millions of dollars and lost one small coin, he wouldn't be concerned about it at all!

Similarly, you can focus on other things you have. You can become aware of them by looking around and taking notice of what other people do not have that you do have.

--B: Taking Action

His second suggestion is: Now that you know the sources why you have these feelings, realize that there are two possibilities-- and only two possibilities. The first possibility is that there are actions you can take to deal with the causes of the feelings. The second possibility is that there is nothing you can do.

If there is something you can do--then by all means, go do it! Sometimes it can be worthwhile to consult with people who have experience with the situation that is causing the sadness or negative emotions. They can give you ideas on what you can do to deal with the situation.

If there is nothing you can do, then accept the situation, do whatever you can to adjust to it, and move on in life!

This is "easier said than done"! There can be a יצר הרע (the evil inclination in human beings) with "accepting the situation because there is nothing I can do". Sometimes the reason that I am in this unwanted situation is because of a mistake that I myself made. In other words, I am to blame for my problem state! Then the יצר הרע comes and makes me feel sad; "Oh, why did I do this; why didn't I do that?!" , etc.

The antidote to this is to realize there is absolutely nothing to be gained from feeling sad. A Rebbe of mine once remarked to me that "sadness" is the Yetzer Hora's greatest weapon. He noted that the classic Sefer on Middot (character traits) is "Orchot Tzadikim". The Sefer has all of the Middot in it including those we are instructed to distance ourselves from such as גאווה (arrogance) and כעס (anger) because there are times when these two Middot are appropriate, albeit in small quantities. However, the Mida of עצבות--sadness-- is not in the Sefer at all because it is never approrpiate to be sad ! Feeling sad is debilitating!

An alternative, positive approach is to actively think "I made this mistake. I can learn from my mistake for the next time I am in a similar situation. Now I will consider and plan how to act more effectively". In other words, I can regret the mistake I made without letting myself feel sad about it. Throughout his Sefer, the Pele Yoetz recommends this approach of choosing positive, resourceful thoughts, and then actively thinking them in order to obstruct unwanted, negative thoughts.

Concluding Remarks:

We started off with the idea of writing down your feelings and the sources of your feelings. Personally, I have found it useful to go one step farther and write down on an index card or piece of paper how I have decided to deal with various challenges. In other words, on my card I write down what feelings I have, why I am feeling them, and how I am going to deal with them. I keep this index card available and look at it as needed.

I have also found it useful to read and reread the section of Pele Yoetz on עצבות when challenging situations arise.

I have found this approach very effective and wish you success using it!

NLP & GO

Dealing with Sadness and Negative Emotions