Dealing with Sadness and Negative Emotions

When things aren't going as you would like....

Dealing with Sadness and Negative Emotions

Date: 9/2/2024

Disclaimer: This article is intended to help people deal with the normal ups and downs of life. It is not intended as a substitute for getting professional counseling or taking prescribed medication when these are indicated.

Here is a step-by step method for dealing with sadness and other negative emotions. Before you actually use this method, I suggest that you practice it --at least twice--by going through all of the steps with a less significant problem in order to familiarize yourself with the method.

An example of a "less significant" problem: A person very much wanted to buy something and when he arrived at the store they had sold out of that item.

Before we start, it has to be understood that this is not an "instant cure"; it doesn't "work like magic". It requires time and effort and repeating parts of the method. And even then, it doesn't usually make the negative emotions disappear completely. Typically, it can significantly reduce the negative emotions so that they have less impact on your life and don't interfere with your daily functioning.

Having said that, let's begin!

Step 1) Write down your feelings.

Usually there is a combination of different feelings. For example: sad, annoyed, disappointed, frustrated, lonely. This is why it can be challenging to deal with negative emotions: A person can feel overwhelmed and somewhat helpless how to cope when he isn't aware of everything he is feeling. However, by writing down your feelings, you become cognizant of what they are. This is the first step that puts you in a good position to deal with them effectively.

Step 2) Write down the sources of your feelings.

What has happened or is happening that makes you feel these feelings? Here, too, there is usually more than one source why you are feeling this way. And, as above, by becoming cognizant of what the sources are, you are in a better position to deal with them effectively.

Step 3 ) Dealing with the Negative Emotions

In the Sefer Pele Yoetz ( in the section on "עצבות") he has some suggestions on dealing with sadness and negative emotions.

--A: Thoughts, Attitudes, Perspectives

His first suggestion is to go more deeply into the source of your feelings. By gaining a new and deeper perspective you can neutralize your negative feelings.

Sometimes the negative feelings come because someone didn't do what you wanted or you weren't treated with the proper respect. If that is the case, then "lower yourself" and tell yourself "Ultimately, what does it really matter how I am treated? What do I lose or gain if this person shows respect towards me or not? At the end of the day it makes no difference."

[NOTE: If a person is being abused , the above approach would not be appropriate. Abuse has to be dealt with. ]

A second source of negative feelings is that an unpleasant event happened. You didn't want this unpleasant event to happen and you have negative feelings from it. He recommends the following approach. The unpleasant event is not a "coincidence"; it didn't accidently "happen" . Rather, it is מן השמים for my benefit--even though I may not now see how .

This idea is also brought in Halacha in אורח חיים סימן רל . The Halacha reads that a person should often say: -- כל מה דעביד רחמנא לטב עביד ' which translates as "everything Hashem does is for our good."

The Pele Yoetz also mentions a more general approach which is to focus on what you have. The Pele Yoetz suggests thinking about the fact that we have the Torah: A person can imagine that if he had millions of dollars and lost one small coin, he wouldn't be concerned about it at all!

Similarly, you can focus on other things you have. You can become aware of them by looking around and taking notice of what other people do not have that you do have.

--B: Taking Action

His second suggestion is: Now that you know the sources why you have these feelings, realize that there are two possibilities-- and only two possibilities. The first possibility is that there are actions you can take to deal with the source of the feelings. The second possibility is that there is nothing you can do.

If there is something you can do--then by all means, go do it! Sometimes it can be worthwhile to consult with people who have experience with the situation that is causing the sadness or negative emotions. They can give you ideas on what you can do to deal with the situation.

If there is nothing you can do, then accept the situation, do whatever you can to adjust to it, and move on in life!

Concluding Remarks:

We started off with the idea of writing down your feelings and the sources of your feelings. Personally, I have found it useful to go one step farther and write down on an index card or piece of paper how I have decided to deal with various challenges. In other words, on my card I write down what feelings I have, why I am feeling them, and how I am going to deal with them. I keep this index card available and look at it as needed.

I have also found it useful to read and reread the section of Pele Yoetz on עצבות when challenging situations arise.

I have found this approach very effective and wish you success using it!

NLP & GO

Dealing with Sadness and Negative Emotions